Jokes

[vito]

This beer tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

[vito]

The Worst of Joe Biden in Forty Quotes


1) “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” — Joe Biden

2) “Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.” — Joe Biden on busing and desegregation.

3) “They’re gonna put y’all back in chains.” — Joe Biden telling black Americans Republicans would put them back in chains.

4) “I organized a civil rights boycott because they wouldn’t serve black kids. One of our football players was black and we went there, and they said they wouldn’t serve him. And I said to the others, ‘Hey, we can’t go in there.’ So, we all left.” — Joe Biden made up a claim about organizing a boycott of a segregated restaurant.

5) “When I marched in the Civil Rights movement, I did not march with a 12-point program, I marched with tens of thousands of others to change attitudes, and we changed attitudes.” — Joe Biden lied about marching with the Civil Rights movement. He never actually did that.

6) “You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian Accent.” — Joe Biden

7) “By the way, what you all know but most people don’t know, unlike the African-American community, with notable exceptions, the Latino community is an incredibly diverse community with incredibly different attitudes about different things.” — Joe Biden

8) “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” — Joe Biden on Barack Obama.

9) “I spent last summer going through the Black sections of my town, holding rallies in parks, trying to get Black men to understand it is not unmanly to wear a condom, getting women to understand they can say no, getting people in the position where testing matters. I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS.” — Joe Biden

10) “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” — Joe Biden

11) “Now, people when I say that look at me and say, ‘What are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt?’ The answer is yes, that’s what I’m telling you.” — Joe Biden

12) “No more – no new fracking.” — Joe Biden

13) “I want you to look at my eyes. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. We’re going to end fossil fuel.” — Joe Biden

14) “You know, the eleven million people living in the shadows, I believe, they’re already American citizens… These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to contribute fully. And by that standard alone eleven million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” — Joe Biden

15) “Mr. President, my suggestion is don’t go.” — Joe Biden, when asked by Barrack Obama if he should go forward on the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden.

16) “I said, ‘Jill, if there’s ever a problem, just walk out on the balcony here, walk out and put that double-barrel shotgun and fire two blasts outside the house.'” — Joe Biden

17) “Instead of standing there and teaching a cop, when there’s an unarmed person coming at them with a knife or something, you shoot them in the leg instead of in the heart is a very different thing. There’s a lot of different things that could change.” — Joe Biden displaying his childlike understanding of using firearms.

18) “Bingo, you’re right if you have an assault weapon. The fact of the matter is they should be illegal. Period.” — Joe Biden when asked about people that think a Biden Administration “means they’re going to come for my guns.”

19) “As you probably know, some American politicians and American journalists refer to Washington, DC as the “capital of the free world. But it seems to me that this great city (Brussels), which boasts 1,000 years of history and which serves as the capital of Belgium, the home of the European Union, and the headquarters for NATO, this city has its own legitimate claim to that title.” — Joe Biden

20) “You know, I’m embarrassed. Do you know the web site number?” — Joe Biden, who in 2009, seemed to think the Internet worked like a phone.

21) “And don’t any of you, by the way, any of you guys vote Republican. I’m not supposed to say, this isn’t political. …don’t come to me if you do! You’re on your own, Jack!” — Joe Biden

22) “What happened today to @JussieSmollett must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.” — Joe Biden

23) “You know, as we used to say in the Senate, excuse the point of personal privilege here: I had two cranial aneurysms, and they literally had to take the top of my head off. I mean, they take a saw and they cut your head off and go in to find the artery that is–one was leaking, the other that hadn’t, before it burst.” — Joe Biden

24) “And by the way, you know, I’d sit on the stand and it’d get hot. I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun. The kids used to come up and reach into the pool and rub my leg down, so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again. They’d look at it. So, I learned about roaches and I learned about kids jumping on my lap. And I loved kids jumping on my lap.” — Joe Biden

25) “Guess what, the cheerleaders in college are the best athletes in college. You think, I’m joking, they’re almost all gymnasts, the stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind.” — Joe Biden

26) “You’re full of sh*t!…Don’t be such a horse’s *ss.” — Joe Biden to a factory worker who said he was trying to end Second Amendment.

27) “You ever been to a caucus?…No you haven’t. You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier.” — Joe Biden to a voter.

28) “You’re a damn liar, man. That’s not true, and no one has ever said that. You see it on the TV, I know you do. And by the way, that’s why I’m not sedentary. I get up and… Look, the reason I’m running is because I’ve been around a long time and I know more than most people. And I can get things done. That’s why I’m running. And you wanna check my shape, let’s do push-ups together, man. Let’s run, let’s do whatever you wanna do. Let’s take an IQ test. Look, fat, look. Here’s the deal. Any other questions?” — To yet another voter Joe Biden was upset with.

29) “I have incredibly good judgment. One, I married Jill. And two, I appointed Johnson to the academy. I just want you to know that. Clap for that, you stupid b*****ds. Come on, man. Man, you are a dull bunch. Must be slow here, man. I don’t know.” — Joe Biden to a crowd of service members that weren’t applauding him enough.

30) “As Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S.” — Joe Biden

31) “Chuck, stand up, Chuck. Let them see you. Oh, God love you, what am I talking about?” — Joe Biden to a man in a wheelchair bound state senator, Charles Graham.

32) “When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed.” — Joe Biden bungles the history of the Depression.

33) “150 million people have been killed since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars, including Vietnam, from that point on.” — Joe Biden

34) “You know, there’s a, uh — during World War II, you know, Roosevelt came up with a thing that uh, you know was totally different than a, than the, you know he called it you know the, World War II, he had the war… the war production board.” — Joe Biden, no idea what he’s talking about.

35) “We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men and women are created, by the, you know the, you know the thing.” — Joe Biden botching his description of the Declaration of Independence.

36) “We have to take care of the cure that will make the problem worse no matter what.” — Joe Biden on the cure for the Coronavirus or something.

37) “COVID has taken this year, just since the outbreak, has taken more than 100 years. Look … the lives, it’s just … when you think about it, more lives this year than any other year for the past hundred years.” — Joe Biden, no idea what he’s talking about.

38) “Play the radio, make sure the television, excuse me, make sure you have a record player on at night, make sure that kids hear words, a kid coming from a very poor school, or a very poor background, will hear four million fewer words spoken by the time they get there.” — Joe Biden saying to play the record player to help poor kids hear more words or something.

39) “Cause if you could take care, if you were a quartermaster, you can sure in hell take care runnin’ a, you know, a department store uh, thing, you know, where, in the second floor of the ladies department or whatever, you know what I mean?” — Joe Biden, no idea what he’s talking about.

40) “You’re the ones who sent Barack Obama the presidency. And I have a simple proposition here: I’m here to ask you for your help. Where I come from, you don’t go very far unless you ask. My name’s Joe Biden. I’m a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate. Look me over. If you like what you see, help out. If not, vote for the other Biden. Give me a look though, okay?” — Joe Biden getting confused about which office he is running for.

[vito]

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital….

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."



Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left."

So they started crying and went home.

[vito]

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says, “I couldn’t believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!”

The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.

The husband says, “I know. You won the lottery.

Right?” She replies, “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?”

“Sure,” he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. “Your tub is ready.” He calls to his wife.

She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, “Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?”

To which he loudly replies, “I wouldn’t want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”

[vito]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

[vito]

I'm a wine enthusiast.

The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

[vito]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's azz and say, 'How about a bj?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[vito]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

[vito]

How does a blonde brain cell die?

Alone.


Why do blondes like lightning?

They think someone is taking their picture.


How do you keep at blonde at home?

You build a circular driveway.

[rbryce1]

- Last Will & Testament....

The scene was the nursing home, as old Doug was nearing his last few breaths.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak;

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take over the offices in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings.

As old Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property???”...

“The old bugger had a paper route!”