Jokes

[rbryce1]

A man was on the phone with his wife and he asked her "Why don't you let me know every time you have an orgasm?"

She replied "I don't like calling you at work!"

[vito]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[vito]

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

[vito]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[vito]

How is Hurricane Florence like an ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

[vito]

As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.”

[vito]

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.

Husband: My truck.

[vito]

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who kicked the trash can at the principal's door?'"

[vito]

he latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm. • Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician. • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

[vito]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.