Jokes

[vito]

Since this social distancing started, shopping is like PACMAN

[vito]

One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”

“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

[vito]

You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Azzholes.


Hope i don't get banned now.

[vito]

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

[vito]

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[vito]

Teacher: How much is a gram?


Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

[vito]

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.

The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

[vito]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[vito]

I wonder what my parents did before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

[vito]

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...
...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?”

And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”