Jokes

[rbryce1]

DONATIONS NEEDED!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a Gallon!"

[vito]

They are missing 2/3rds of the problem

[rbryce1]

One step at a time!!!

[rbryce1]

WALMART SENIOR GREETER

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"



''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?''

[MaineVette]

Good stuff. Gotta love the underlying political commentary of each.

[vito]

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton , Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”
John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 310 million people very happy.”

[rbryce1]

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton , Barack Obama and John Edwards were visiting an elementary school. Barack Obama asked the class if they knew what a tragedy was. Little Billy raised his hand and said "A bus hits a tree and a lot of the kids get hurt and have to go to the hospital.

John Edwards replies, that's not really a tragedy, that would be more of an accident.

Agreed, said Obama, does anyone else think they know what a tragedy would be.

Little Alice raises her hand, and says " An earth quake happens and a large apartment building falls over and kills everyone inside.

Hillary replies, even though a lot of people were lost that would not be a tragedy, that would be more of a great loss.

Again Barack Obama agrees and asks one last time if anyone has an idea of a tragedy.

Little Johnny in the back of the room raises his hand. He says "An airplane with Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton and John Edwards is flying to California and it crashes into the Grand Canyon, and everyone onboard is lost.

Barack says "That's right, can you exlain why that is a tragedy?

Little Billy states "Well, it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and ten to one it most likely wouldn't have been an accident either!

[vito]

A distinguished man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, he is met by St. Peter who welcomes him.

St. Pete: Welcome. Before I can admit you, I have to check your clock.

Gentleman: Clock?

St. Pete: Yes clock. When you were born, we put a clock with your name on it on the wall. Every time you tell a lie, the arms move. There, for instance, is George Washinton's. Notice that its at !2 o'clock. He never told a lie.

Gentleman: I see that, but Thomas Jefferson's is at 12:05.

St. Pete: Yes, he only told one lie in his life.

The old man stops for a second and then asks "where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"

St. Pete: Oh, Jesus keeps that one in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.




After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

[MaineVette]

After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

[MaineVette]

I love this one. Saw it in the paper about a month ago and laughed my butt off. The comment in the lower right is great too!